The Bridge from Military Maneuver to Meander

I cannot remember a time where I’ve been aimless or casual in this military chapter, or rather volume, of my life. The lifestyle of a service member is steeped in discipline, respect, and over the past two decades, urgency. I’ve often been required to make split-second decisions with only half the information I really need. As I moved up in rank, those decisions affected the lives of others, came with long work hours and stress, and bled into time normally reserved for family, self-care, and leisure. 

The pace of the maneuver accelerated shortly after my story began as a commissioned officer, as I watched the twin towers fall in horror, somehow recognizing at the age of twenty-two that the world had just turned upside down. I was just a young Air Force Lieutenant trying to keep a plane in the air at pilot training, suddenly watching them crash and fall from the sky on the small television in my studio apartment. Piercing sirens and orders to defend over the military base loudspeaker shook me from what I hoped was a horrible nightmare. Fast forward twenty-two years, fifteen assignments, 13 comrades lost through a decade of war with the Middle East, and that pace has never slowed, but rather became the new normal. “It’s a marathon, not a sprint” I’ve heard over and over from various mentors and leadership, referencing different schools, assignments, deployments, and operations. Like the maneuver, the marathon keeps going and going, as I try to keep pace with my peers and leave no one behind. 

The meander, on the other hand, is in many ways the opposite. A Webster synonym “implies an absence of or an indifference to a fixed course.” This helpful online word tool, like a therapist or teacher easing a lack of understanding, provides synonyms to this unacquainted idea of meandering, but leaves me more troubled and nervous than carefree. I don’t know how to meander. Where would I meander to? There must be a destination, because otherwise I’m lost. I’m in search of peace, and the peace service-members seek when letting go of the responsibility they’ve often carried for decades takes time, I’m told, but no one can share how long it takes to reach a destination of peace. Defending freedom feels easier than wandering about freely after time in service and purpose comes to an end. The lack of purpose delighted in the definitions is the very thing I’m most troubled by. 

I take a step, and stumble upon an army of ants. Marching in a line, helping each other, moving rhythmically together, and I envy them. They know their purpose, and they get after it with haste. How would an ant feel if you took away their team, work, and destination? Tell an ant to simply enjoy the wander, and I bet they’ll find a new purpose quickly. Meandering is likely a bridge too far for the ant, and definitely for this Type-A retired officer. 

The desirable traits of the meander that DO resonate in my mind are the noted slow and restful pace, the ability to enjoy the present moment, and the freedom to change course like leaves in the wind. The road between maneuver and meander is currently too unmarked and rugged to find the trail adjoining, but perhaps there is a compromise. Maybe there is a bridge, with similar support structures like schedule, aid, and accountability; but at a pace that allows for freedom of thought, delightful movement, and peace of mind. Could there be an opportunity to help a new team with decisions, teamwork, and discipline? Perhaps I’ve already taken the first step on this journey, and Marist is my bridge between maneuver and meander.